


here is a story

by Anonymous



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27971243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: a rumination on works in progress, ft. one kuwata leon
Kudos: 3
Collections: Anonymous





	here is a story

Here is a story I am not writing:

It's about childhood trauma and queerness and the intersection of that with whatever bullshit, because that's what it always is. It's about saying yes when you mean no and needing nothing at all. Fuck; I don't know what it is. That's why I'm not writing it, stupid.

Kuwata Leon is two years old when his baby cousin is born. He remembers the moment he first saw her, a tiny scrawny thing under covers. He had a thought, in the vague shapeless way that children do, that she was hideous and terrifying, not really like a human at all, and then memories fade out.

And if it ended there maybe the world would be a better place, but children grow up, you know. He loved his kindergarten teacher so much, she was his favorite person and he'd keep his little kindergarten hat on and that red-squared off backpack. He met her again, a year later, a run-in at some grocery store while shopping with his mother. He didn't recognize her when mommy told him to wave hi. She was a stranger by then. Life's funny like that.

Things were okay when he was little. He was a little in love with Kanon and everything was happy then. When did things start to change?

Here's a story I'll never write:

Fuck. Fuck. It's always the same shit with me, isn't it? This tentative play with the same stuff. Same characters, a thousand times. Incest on every level: not just literal, no, practical, the works breeding off of each other. Why is it always Leon? What attracts me to that fucking little shithead when there's a thousand more characters to write, to rewrite, rework? But I want him.

Kuwata Leon loves her. She's his baby sister. He loves her. He lives for her. That's a general her, by the way. Leon loves girls, in case you didn't notice. Women. It's not fair. He lives for them. He wants them. He wants to be them.

Here is the story I cannot write:

Kuwata Leon is transfem. She's so fucking envious, all the time. She loves girls so much, oh god girls. Every part of them is beautiful and smiles and happy and he's not that, doesn't even know she could have that. But she fucking wants it so bad.

She loves girls and girls and girls and girls. She's the tomboy friend, when she's little, the only girl in a group of boys. Marked as different, delicate. She brings her cousin along and they roughhouse. Kuwata can keep up with the best of them, but she tries to play with the other girls, sometimes, and that doesn't work. She's dirty and different. They don't want her to play with Licca-chan because Kuwata doesn't understand the appeal of playing house. So: fine. Kuwata has Kanon and boys, and that's okay until things start changing.

Girls have such cute clothes. I mean, Kuwata wants to be a trend-setter, not a follower, so she's not going out there and looking at magazines or whatever -- which is good, because she's flat as a board and looking at Enoshima Junko's cleavage makes her both horny and jealous. But sometimes, Kanon will see the look in her eyes and gift her some pieces of her wardrobe. Old t-shirts, funky hairclips, half-used mascara or nail polish. She never uses them -- she can't imagine what Kanon would do with the sight -- but just. Well. The option makes her feel better.

She meets this beautiful woman, one day, working at the hairdressers. The woman's face is long, with bones like Kuwata's, sharp and beautiful. Her shoulders are maybe a little too broad. Kuwata didn't know women like that existed. She falls in love. She goes back there every time she needs her hair buzzed, which is often, because because because

baseball and manhood and men and baseball and boys in uniforms in lines in batting cages in pain and suffering and words i can't spell and a thousand little things i feel compelled to fact-check. do you know that a lot of the star koshien players tend to have interesting pro careers, and by that i mean they wind up on the disabled players lists until the ends of time? that's what happens when you wreck your arm pitching hundreds of times for one tournament. seriously, japanese high school baseball is insane. i wish i didn't know the things i did. i wish i knew more. i feel like i owe it to the culture i'm writing about and to my readers and, above all, to myself. i wish i could write as fast as i think. there's so much i want to share.

Well, anyways.

Kuwata listens to a lot of Against Me! after that.

God, that's so self-indulgent. I can't do that. But that's the thing, isn't it? Fic is such a self-indulgence. I can bend the universe to my will, again and again and again, but somehow, I'm too scared to let myself have what I want. I'm scared of the world outside, looking at what I want to write and saying it's wrong. That's the thing. I'm so scared, all the time. An ugly twisted mess. I've learned to cut myself off, endings where I want none. I'm not ashamed of what I want. I'm just terrified of the fallout.

Here is a story I will not write:

Anything, really.


End file.
